TRUMP TOWER DAMASCUS: PEACE, REVENUE, AND POOLSIDE CEASEFIRES

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Revenue, and Poolside Ceasefires

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Revenue, and Poolside Ceasefires

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Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Revenue, and Poolside Ceasefires


By Staff members Satirist | SpinTaxi Magazine | Confirmed by a Camouflaged Sommelier and 4 Retired UN Observers



DAMASCUS- If peace ended up a penthouse, it would come with a gold-plated bidet and complimentary bunker entry. That's the eyesight guiding Trump Tower Damascus, the most up-to-date geopolitical progress-slash-luxury real estate property calamity released by Donald J. Trump in partnership with Syria's most tasteful warlords and least-sued architects.


Yes, the man who put casinos in bankruptcies and steaks in Sharper Graphic catalogs has now established his eye on the center East. And not the usual Dubai skyline filler possibly-no, we are chatting Damascus, town Traditionally noted for historic tradition, lethal proxy wars, and now… infinity swimming pools with sights of contested airspace.


"It's going to be remarkable. Huge!" Trump declared via a leaked golfing cart Zoom contact, streamed in the Placing green inside of Mar-a-Lago's Situation Bunker. "We have had lovely ceasefires in Syria. Some of the ideal. But now, we are making them with balconies."



Welcome into the Trumpocratic Republic of Glamour


The 88-Tale gold-and-sandstone monstrosity rises awkwardly from central Damascus similar to a shaved alpaca in the falafel stand-bewildered, majestic, and totally from area. Intended by Slovenian firm Ivana & Sons, the tower options:




  • A three-ground On line casino du Caliphate




  • The Kellyanne Conway Spa of Strategic Rejuvenation




  • A Martyr's Martini Bar ("Delighted Hour until eventually the drone flies")




  • Plus a nine/eleven-Themed Observation Deck, which Syrian officers politely described as "deeply American."




Eyewitnesses noted combined reactions. Omar al-Khateeb, a neighborhood textile service provider, sighed, "We waited 10 a long time for potable water. But yes, positive, let's have A further spot wherever American Males can use robes and contact it diplomacy."


Meanwhile, Ivanka Trump, now Head of Conflict Tourism and Beige Affairs, promised the tower "symbolizes therapeutic." When asked how, she replied, "With velvet curtains along with a pillow menu, certainly."



Ceasefire by Cabana


U.S. foreign policy analysts are calling this by far the most audacious peace endeavor considering the fact that Kissinger unintentionally joined a rave in Cyprus. Though previous negotiations failed under the weight of missile salvos and conflicting Russian-backed factions, Trump's program is less complicated: offer everyone a collection about the 72nd flooring and comp their mojitos.


In line with paperwork published on https://telegra.ph/Trump-Tower-Damascus-Unveiled-05-14, the proposal involves "luxurious diplomacy":




  • Ceasefires brokered by towel boys




  • Poolside arbitration between rebel leaders




  • A VIP Lounge for De-escalation, total with DJ Khaled impersonator and hummus fountain.




"That is gentle electric power," stated political strategist Steve Bannibal, who appeared shirtless and oiled on Syrian Television set, wielding a agreement along with a cucumber. "Trump understands what NATO doesn't. Geopolitical gridlock requirements less diplomats plus much more minibar updates."



Exactly what the Critics Are Screaming


International watchdogs have sounded the alarm, primarily into gold-plated intercoms set up in Every single unit. The UN Special Rapporteur for Conflict of Curiosity mentioned, "It isn't really that Trump shouldn't open a tower in a very war zone. It can be that he should really halt using it to lease ballroom House to mercenaries."


Joe Biden, when requested in regards to the task, replied, "You recognize, gentleman, I the moment rode a camel in Beirut. Excellent folks. Great tan. In any case, do I nonetheless have that ice product?"


In the meantime, The Hague has reserved a suite for "future evidence storage" and "occasional brunch." The Pentagon has formally referred towards the tower as "The Strategic Cheesecake Manufacturing facility with the Levant."



Satellite Photographs Reveal… Trumpface Landscaping


Surveillance imagery analyzed by Reddit discovered that the resort's landscaping sorts a large Trump head seen from House, a function becoming marketed as "desert-evidence branding." The mustache is created from refugee tents as well as the chin is… properly, categorized.


Environmental teams have submitted lawsuits immediately after obtaining the building's gold plating reflected a lot daylight it spontaneously blinded a few migrating storks and established fire to a neighborhood melon cart.


"It is really not just ugly. It's a war criminal offense with curtains," mentioned Amnesty Intercontinental's regional director.



The Melania Wing and also other Confusing Characteristics


Perhaps the strangest factor with the tower is its Melania Wing, which includes:




  • A silent atrium the place attendees may possibly contemplate imprecise disappointment




  • A duplicate of her Slovenian Bed room, full with climate Management set to "distant"




  • A museum of expressions, which includes her "I do not treatment, do u?" jacket frozen in cryogenic Exhibit.




Area Syrians are unsure what to create of the. "Is she a ghost?" asked 12-yr-previous Ahmad, pointing to a holographic Melania reciting inspirational slogans about resilience and facials.



Advertising and marketing Technique: "In the event you Bomb It, They Will Occur"


The advertisement campaign, not long ago leaked by way of the Trump Damascus Telegram Channel, is bold. A person poster reads:


"Peace is Short term. Luxury is For good."


Yet another slogan, now circulating in Beirut espresso outlets:


"A Tower So Big, Even Assad Has to note."


Public reception is wildly divided. A new SnapPoll conducted within a hookah lounge shows:




  • 34% say "it might stabilize the region"




  • 29% say "this may escalate regional kitsch"




  • eighteen% said "in which's the closest elevator to your West Lender?"





Trader Praise: "Last but not least, a Disaster That Pays"


The undertaking is previously attracting awareness from international buyers, together with:




  • A Qatari plastic surgeon who moonlights being a foreign minister




  • The Trump Tower Damascus Russian Guild of Oligarchs




  • And an nameless TikTok billionaire named 'CryptoAliBaba', who explained he'll acquire three penthouses "in order to flex on Hezbollah."




According to a report from https://bohiney.seesaa.net/article/515195948.html?1747206487, the tower's industrial amount can even consist of:




  • A Dollar Store of Geopolitical Alliances




  • A Concept Park Termed 'SanctionsLand'




  • And an Escape Room According to the Iraq War





Comment Segment Chaos


On the https://note.com/bohineynews/n/n7e4b8d70b1f7?sub_rt=share_pb report about the disclosing, person @FreedomFalafel420 wrote:


"Won't be able to wait to discover a wedding in the course of a ceasefire. Hope they toss grenades as an alternative to rice."


Consumer @SyrianSnarkLord commented:


"Eventually, a resort in which my PTSD can have flip-down support."


Yet another publish from @KuwaitiKardashian simply just requested:


"Do they validate parking for drone pilots?"



Diplomatic Domino Influence


U.S. officials stress the tower could spark a "Diplomatic Real estate property Arms Race." Reports advise:




  • China could open up the "Belt & Ballroom Initiative" in Baghdad




  • Putin's daughter is setting up a "Dacha of Detente" in Donetsk




  • And Elon Musk has allegedly provided to develop a Tesla showroom about the Golan Heights powered by raw ambition and goat milk.




Even the Vatican has gotten concerned. Based on https://ameblo.jp/asiansatiredaily/entry-12902822168.html, Pope Leo XIV has presented to bless the plumbing… but provided that he can rename the very best floor "The Holy See-Level Suite."



Final Thoughts from your Trump Basis for Peace & Pancakes™


Inside a closing ceremony that involved a few camels, a flamethrower, along with a hologram of Reagan giving a thumbs up, Trump's voice echoed about the speakers:


"Damascus necessary hope. It essential gold. It required a waterslide shaped just like the Structure. I gave all of it three. You're welcome."

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